As I walked into the #FCLV this morning for more blood work and another ultrasound… the fog set in.

The fog where you lose emotion. The feeling when you find yourself going through the motions but lose focus of why you even found yourself here.

I want to create life, bring wholeness to our home, and this has always been our purpose and intention in going forward with IVF. After being pricked and prodded, spending thousands of dollars, and limitless time, stress, and emotion for what seems like the last few years but is actually months… the horizon can’t help but get a little fuzzy.

I’m exhausted by the what if’s… now I’m just foggy.

When the ultrasound tech read that my lining was still only reading at a 3 after 5 days of letrozole, instead of freaking out, I just shrugged my shoulders. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. We’ll go from there.

Everything is still on track. As far as I know. Just feeling indifferent, foggy, a bit lonely, and hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m done being mad at my body for not doing it’s job. I live by the motto to pray as if everything depended on God and act as if everything depended on me. There is only so much I can do in this case. If we are supposed to be parents to these embryos, we will be. We are doing everything we can… the doctor is doing everything he can… it’s time to let the Holy One guide the path either direction.

Keeping the bright side sunny, I’m looking forward to Shabbat, and wishing you all a Shabbat Shalom!