I am not the person I was a month ago.

In the past, I’ve felt myself bend… sometimes really far… but it wasn’t until September 12th, 2018 at 8am, that I broke in two.

Today is the shloshim of finding out that my unborn child had no heartbeat. Yeah… yeah… I’m aware that I cannot mourn because s/he never drew breath. This fact doesn’t negate that we still experienced a tremendous loss, that I’ve been holding onto it quite tight.

Each passing day brings an ounce of healing. Jumping back into cantorial duties… getting back into the world… keeping up my exercise routine… enjoying the company of friends… it’s all helped.

Knowing I needed a ritual to help me move forward, my clergy partner suggested that I do something both physical and spiritual to officially cleanse myself of this experience.

Mikveh.

For the past several years, I have been the mikveh angel for others… shepherding amazing women as they choose Judaism and complete that part of their journey with mikveh.

Today, I went to the mikveh for myself. I did it to regain wholeness, and find solace in the loss.

My hope was to immerse broken and emerge whole, I prayed to God.

(Thanks to my colleagues at Temple Beth Shalom, the mikveh was available just for me this morning. I’m so appreciative for their kindness.)

After walking in, the door closed behind me and I physically prepared myself by taking out my contacts, off my jewelry, my nails and toes were bare of polish… all the boxes checked so that I could submerge “Just Jess”.

I placed a ceremony I had written for myself at the edge of the bath.

Slowly, I stepped into the water.

I stood there and dipped once. As I went under the water, my heart raced and tears fills my eyes. The water burned in my throat as I chased back the tears.

I spoke the words of blessing for mikveh, and dipped again.

This time, I spoke words straight from my heart… Honestly, I told God that I was angry, and I wasn’t giving up.

My voice was heard. I know it.

I dipped a third time and wanted to say shehecheyanu for my life and getting through surgery after the loss… but it was difficult to praise The Holy One for bringing me to this moment when I was supposed to be in this moment 12 weeks pregnant. Here I am alive, and this moment is real. This moment will lead to the next moment… one with hope and healing. So… shehecheyanu.

Feeling myself one with the water was special, meditative, emotional, and most importantly… cleansing.

As I walked out of the pool of water, I felt a sense of soul healing… a force nudging me to move forward.

Today, I emerge changed, filled with hope, and ready to begin again.

You will always be the life that lived in me. We will always remember you.