You know that moment when everything is sincerely going great, and for a moment, you’re actually not thinking about the things in life that are difficult?

It’s an awesome moment when life is a rainbow, and you’re so happy to be right where you are….

Then… the balloon pops.

Someone says something that deflates and shrinks you to a point of weakness.

This infertility journey is one where that balloon pops often.

I’ve discovered these last few months that people don’t know what to say. It’s our human nature to want to comfort others. With that goal in mind, many people think saying something they think might be helpful… and it’s often the opposite of comforting.

How can we be more sensitive and mindful when speaking to our loved ones experiencing infertility?

Let’s look at three real examples from this past week:

1. Via text: “Look at these adorable pictures of my new niece!” ~Balloon pop 🎈

I realize others may not agree on this one, but in this moment, I have a tinge of sadness every time I see a very little baby. It won’t always be this way, but it’s still raw.

We (the women struggling with loss and infertility) are happy for your new addition. Really! We are genuinely so excited for your family, wholeheartedly, even as we struggle to build our own. We are not saying we don’t want to see pictures of infants, we do live in the world and see them everyday, but we don’t need to be blasted with intentional reminders from loved ones. Please just ask first if we want to see photos of new babies in your life. Somedays, it’s going to be great and somedays hard to see.

2. Cornered at a work event: “I’ve been wanting to tell you my own struggle, you never returned my messages about this.” Then they go on to tell you how they were 40 when they gave birth and they had this struggle and that. Then promise you will also be successful. ~Balloon Pop 🎈

There’s a lot here, let’s break it down.

A. It’s incredibly distracting to corner someone while they are working and focused.

B. While I am an exception because in my work, it is my great honor to accompany, lend an ear, and be a source of spiritual strength for my community, I’m not most people. If this person was sharing their story with me as a healing moment for them, all good. I’m here for you. Let’s talk about YOUR fertility. Anytime. Sincerely. Most people, however, will not find strength in your struggle. At least not in their moment of loss. Therefore, it’s better that you don’t share unless they express interest.

C. I never returned your message because it was days following my miscarriage, and I wasn’t ready. I haven’t brought it up because I wasn’t sure it would be helpful to hear it. I didn’t know how to tell you that.

D. Thank you for your encouragement and certainty in my future, but none of us know the future. I choose to live in the today, full of hope, not looking back or ahead. It’s how I’m coping, and actually, it’s going very well!

3. At the oneg following services: “Cantor, there is a rumor going around.. and I heard you’re pregnant, Mazal Tov!” ~Balloon pop 🎈

Oy va VOY!! No! This happened two weeks ago in religious school. One of the students thought it would be funny to start this rumor in his class. He’s been curious about babies, and he’s a little boy who did not know better. He’s a child. I expect this from children. From a grown adult… just… facepalm. Punch me in the stomach, why don’t you?

Maybe it’s the hormones I’m being pumped with, but like a deer in headlights, I gave this person a dead stare and said, “It is NEVER okay to ask a woman that.”

I think I embarrassed this person, and I am truly sorry because it wasn’t my intention.

But… seriously? Did you just say that? If I was, it would be my business to share. If I look like it, but am not, why draw attention to it? (Did I mention being pumped with hormones?!) You KNOW I just had a miscarriage so why on earth would you even go there? Just… oy. That’s all. Don’t ask. Ever. Never. Not even to a person nine months pregnant. Never.

Look, I love each of these people. They are dear to me. They did nothing wrong. I’m the broken one (although I’ve healed so much!), and all that we, the aspiring mothers, are asking for is a little sensitivity. If you love a person who is in this position, just think before you speak.

Just be there for us, and help us inflate the balloon of joy, fulfillment, and hope for the future.

Your presence is all the support we need.

Shavua tov!