Happy Passover, Friends! Apologies for being radio silent, but there is nothing new to report at the moment.

It is infertility awareness week, however… which is all too real, as this is the day I was due. Our first pregnancy, our first IVF transfer, it was a success… until it wasn’t.

As the lights went out in the ultrasound room, we were expecting the best…

Instead… silence…. until… “I have to go get the doctor.”

There was no growth since six weeks, and no heartbeat detected… I laid there, chazzband squeezing my hand, and both of us in disbelief. Dr. Shapiro told us not to worry yet, and to come back next week. It was the day before Rosh Hashannah. As a Cantor, the Holy Days are my World Series of the year… and I was heading into it with the most emotional cloud over my head. I barely made it through.

When we went back the next week, it was confirmed that the fetus had died.

The news came two days before Yom Kippur.

Those days of t’shuvah (repentance/return) were filled with immense despair and intense anger… I almost felt as though, in a single second, I had forgotten how to pray.

Dozens of people have come to me for consolation, guidance, and prayer… and when I was the one in need of my own advice, there was only darkness.

I stood before Aron HaKodesh (the Holy Ark), Avinu Malkeinu (a pinnacle prayer meaning, “Our Father, our King”) on the page in front of me, and I sobbed aloud, in front of a congregation of 800+ people. I was completely vulnerable, and my prayer couldn’t have been more raw.

The day after Yom Kippur, I was admitted to the hospital for a D&C because I had a missed miscarriage and the fetus remained in the womb I was building.

I was forever changed.

It took weeks for me to muster the strength to officiate a funeral or visit the preschool and months to perform a baby naming.

My body did not want to let go of the growth, preparation, and change. My HCG levels remained for an almost unheard of FOUR MONTHS after we lost this potential life. My body held onto those hormones and the physical and emotional weight.

I did not know if I would be myself again. I’m still not sure of that. I’m a new version of myself.

Women go through miscarriages all the time. This shouldn’t be such a pivotal life moment…. right? Wrong.

Did you want to start a family? Yes.

Was it years, dollars, emotions, hormone injectionS, and heartache in the making? Yes.

Did you start dreaming about what this potential life would become? Yes.

That is why this has forever changed me, and will always leave a permanent mark on my heart.

While we have gotten through the trauma and sadness, today is just a difficult reminder of what could have been, but wasn’t b’sheret (meant to be).

SIGH… AND… We move forward. We keep hoping, dreaming, planning, striving, fighting, growing, changing…

There WILL be a rainbow baby. I can feel it. This is my prayer.

Today, I am giving myself one day of quiet time. Working from home… taking in the sunshine… reflecting on where we’ve been and where we’re going… probably eating some chocolate toffee matzah.

Because… THIS is my unapologetic healing.

Tomorrow, I’ll rise again, pep in my step, and look towards the future. It’s a bright one.

For all who are struggling with infertility… I’m with you. I’m listening. You are not alone.