It’s the 6th anniversary of a life changing decision to undergo roux en-y surgery. (I had the majority of my stomach tied off and replumbed). Over three years, I lost 115 pounds through conscious eating and being active every single day… and I’ve improved on this lifestyle choice every day since.

Last night, while on a date with the Chazzband, he said, “I was looking at a picture of you from like three years ago, and you really do look so much healthier now… you were really thin and your hair was falling out. ” Let’s be clear, he wasn’t commenting on my beauty. This man has loved me and thought I was beautiful the way I am now, three years ago when I was gaunt and my hair was falling out, and sixteen years ago when we met…

This was a reminder that I was reaching for an unattainable, unnecessary, self. It’s one of the reasons before and after pictures are so troublesome (and I’m totally guilty of them).

We are continuously on a journey… and our size does not determine our success. I would say, the comparison photos I’m posting today are of me carrying a child we have longed for, for so long. It’s a triumph and a blessing to have gained 60lbs back (30 in almost 2 years of grueling IVF hormones and 30 in pregnancy) to reach the success of these images.

And yet… my mind is playing tricks on me. Every outfit I’ve grown out of (including my shoes), and every photo I see, the body dysmorphia tells me I’ve failed. How will I ever get back to the me of two or three years ago? The rational side of my brain says that I’m not supposed to “get back to that.” Instead, I’m supposed to embrace what comes next. Whether I lose these 60lbs, or they stick around… EACH POUND HELPED ME MAKE LIFE. I say this to myself, and then struggle to believe it. It’s a cycle of body love/hate, and so many of us understand it.

Recently, at a dinner with friends, there was a comment made about someone’s health because they had become so incredibly thin. They responded, “Thank you so much for calling me thin!” I’m not judging… I promise. Perhaps that’s the goal… for some. It does, however, make me ask…why? There are certainly perks to being thin (as there are to being curvy). Does the size of our waist determine if we’re happy? Healthy? Successful? Realistically, not usually.

So let’s chase a new goal. A goal where our weight doesn’t define us.

Whether we’ve gained or lost weight due to pregnancy, medicines, lifestyle changes, hormone imbalances, or simply because we weren’t thinking about it… May it not determine our self worth, or our success. If we keep saying it, and keep living it, maybe one day we’ll believe it.

Today, I’m 6 years post op from weight loss surgery, and it’s been a great success. It uncovered my PCOS, helped me have a limited stress pregnancy (no high BP, no GD), and showed me what I’m capable of. I’m healthy, fit, and still on the journey… I’m not chasing a body that isn’t mine, but instead working everyday to celebrate the body I was given.

#pcos #weightlosssurgery #rouxeny #journey #infertility #ivf #postop #goals #health #pregnancy