Author: Cantor Jessica Hutchings

15 Opportunities

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 2 Comments

My ovaries had a big day today.

While I experienced the ultimate Shabbat nap under anesthesia, Dr. Shapiro went on an egg hunt. He injected each of the 32 follicles and drew out 15 beautiful potential eggs.

Earlier in the morning, we provided a sample from the Chazzband (we’ll use this as Jeremy’s nickname, Chazzan’s-husband).

When I woke up in recovery, I was relaxed and felt like I was drunker than I’d ever been. I kept wanting to see my blood pressure, and remember asking the nurse with slurred speech (is my pulse too high?). Who knows why I thought of that. She was sitting next to me watching a reality show about fishermen on the high seas. I passed out again and woke up to her calling my chazzband that he could come back and get me.

As always, he was gentle and patient. He listened closely to the do’s and dont’s for the rest of the day. We went home and I slept another 3 hours.

Since then, I’ve been bloated beyond measure, uncomfortable to the point of painful when I go to the ladies room, and while tired, also anxious.

Now, we wait.

I wait out the swelling. (The follicles are beginning to bulk back up with fluid and it’s kinda awful).

We wait for news. Within 48 hours we’ll know how many of the 15 eggs fertilized and within the week we’ll know how many embryos we made.

It’s now in the hands of the embryologist and Ribono shel olam, Master of the Universe. It is out of my hands.

Shavuot begins tonight. A festival holiday where we celebrate in the sweetness and the responsibility we were given when we received the Torah.

For me, this Shavuot reminds us to have hope, be ready for great responsibility, and savor each sweetness we receive in this life.

May we study intensely, look within ourselves, and eat all the cheesecake. Chag Sameach.

🥚 All the Eggs 🥚

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 9 Comments

For 14 long days, we’ve been feeding my eggs chemicals called gonal-f, cetrotide, and menopur via scary needles. I say scary because I’ve hated needles since birth.

Today, is Thursday. In Jewish text, B’reishit, Genesis, the narrative teaches that God mentions other days of the week as being good, and on Yom Hashishi (the sixth day, which begins Thursday when the sun sets) it is VERY good.

וַיַּרְא אֱלֹהִים אֶת-כָּל-אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה, וְהִנֵּה-טוֹב מְאֹד; וַיְהִי-עֶרֶב וַיְהִי-בֹקֶר, יוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי

And God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

There is a lot of rabbinic commentary on this line. Basically, mankind was created on day 6, therefore what was once a fine world transformed illuminated by new life created in God’s image…  Hmmm… sounds like my week is lining up with that one. Well, sort of.

Today, in preparation for the setting sun towards a VERY good day, Yom hashishi, my eggs are finally ready for retrieval. New life is almost created. I can feel it. It is tov m’od, verygood.

Retrieval was supposed to be Tuesday… Then Wednesday, then Friday… back-back-back it was pushed because my follicles weren’t ready. A cancelled vacation, a frustrated and emotionally charged self, and a husband who didn’t want to give his wife one more injection… I was feeling like if I wasn’t measuring up today, I never would be. But I am!

Tonight, we switch from the usual meds to one final shot… Lupron. 34 hours after I’m injected tonight, the 32 follicles in my ovaries will be pierced with a needle, and hopefully, beautiful eggs will be retrieved and mixed with the swimmers to create an embryo. (If this makes you a little queasy like it does me, don’t worry, they put me out for this!) It’s science meets God’s will. It’s sci fi and awesome.

These last 2 weeks have been a challenge. The injections left me exhausted, with a constant headache, and more bloated than I had ever been (it’s what happens when the follicles enlarge in the ovaries.)

Halfway through, my Poppy (grandpa), passed away. It became necessary that I go to Florida to support my dad and honor Poppy’s memory. I packed my meds in ice, and thankfully have the most incredible sister, who watched youtube instructionals to prepare to stab me. We got off the airplane, late for the shot, found a companion bathroom in the aiport, and setup IVF shop. Never did I ever think I would be injected with drugs in an aiport bathroom… there is a first time for everything.

Multiple ultra sounds and blood draws later, I’m finally ready.

This Shabbatis going to be a very very good one. 

Welcome!

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 1 Comment

After a two year battle trying to understand my body, and why I wasn’t conceiving, I now have answers. The journey has begun.

I posted on social media and shared my story with my congregation. Then the unexpected happened. Suddenly there was an outpouring of support, and other women were coming to me with their own stories, struggles, and successes… wanting to share their own journey… So, just a few days ago, Conceiving Cantor came to mind… It was time to start a blog.

Let me begin with the basics. I’m a Cantor. In Hebrew, we call my life’s work, Chazzan, a visionary. If you’re not Jewish, this may be new to you. Like a rabbi, I’m a clergy person. My role in the community extends to being the source of music for the congregation. I teach, officiate life cycles, counsel, and make music the conduit for spiritual connection. It’s pretty awesome when you feel called to your work, and enjoy every moment.

It was a long road to get here… 5 years of undergraduate studies in vocal performance with an emphasis in opera at Cal State Long Beach, 2 years achieving a Master’s in Education at the American Jewish University, and 4 more years studying for the cantorate and obtaining a Master’s in Jewish Sacred Music and ordination as Chazzan.

Luckily, at the beginning of my studies at CSULB, I met Jeremy, my b’sheret (soul mate/meant to be). I was 18, and he was 23. We have been inseparable ever since. He stuck with me through all of my studies, choosing Judaism before proposing at the end of my undergraduate and has always been my biggest cheerleader all the way to achieving the ultimate goal as Cantor. He wanted to be a dad, but also agreed with my need for us to be ready. We now know there is no such thing as being completely equip for the job of parent.

We waited… Through 11 years of schooling and 1 year completed at my job… We felt settled… We started to try.

Off of the pill for 9 months with no cycle returning, and the hair on my head falling out… It was time to reach out to my doctor.

PC.O.S: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is my diagnosis.

Thinking back to 16 year old me… I knew something was wrong. I was overweight but was active and salad was the staple of my diet. (Hearing about it on a TV show, I asked my doctor back then if I might have PCOS, but she said just to try harder at losing weight.) The doctor put me on the pill, my acne cleared up, my hair a flowing, and my cycle was regular.

14 years later. Here we are, wanting to get pregnant, and it turns out, I do indeed have this dreaded PCOS.

I turned to people in my circle that suffered, and asked for guidance. New Figure Forward blogger, Alyson Sinai, was a great help in suggesting changes to my medicine cabinet and under the sink. All natural detergents, soaps, vitamins, and eating things less processed with fewer ingredients were all action items she took upon learning her own diagnosis.

Jeremy thought I was nuts, but it turns out he likes the Dr. Bronner’s soap and toothpaste, and has become accustomed to paying more for our dish soap, detergent, and organic plant based foods.

I did see a change over the next six months. My hair ever so slowly grew back, wasn’t as tired, and even got my cycle on my own for several months.

But we still weren’t pregnant. It had been over a year.

My OB/GYN put me on clomid to induce/strengthen my ovulation. The ovulation stick kept telling me I wasn’t ovulating. Nothing has been more frustrating…Nothing.

After 4 rounds and another 6 months, Dr. Pack (the OB) AND Dr. Lehrner (the GP) referred me to Dr. Bruce Shapiro, the leading reproductive endocrinologist in town at the Fertility Center of Las Vegas. Dr. Shapiro did a complete workup, and Jeremy and I were both fertile candidates to make a baby. He confirmed it was PCOS standing in our way, and told us IUI or IVF were the options. With an 8% success rate, I was hesitant to drop $3500 on IUI, and wanted to save up for $20,000 IVF that gave us a 91% success rate.

Fast forward to today, and we are anxiously awaiting egg retrieval in the coming days…

 

 

Check out my next blog to hear about the reality of nightly injections, daily labs and ultra sounds, and the emotional roller coaster of IVF.

If you’re going through struggles with infertility, allow me to be an ear, a resource, and a comfort. This is not easy, and nobody should go through it alone.