ET happened.

Doctor said it was textbook.

Acupuncture helped me feel calm.

We said a special prayer before we began. (Thanks to Rachel for providing!)

I cried.

Jeremy held my hand tightly.

I stared into the light above the exam table, with gratitude and hope in my heart.

Just like that.. our lives could be changed forever.

And now we wait.

(I am on bedrest through Friday, and will be away from the office. We won’t be making any announcements until we reach the 51 day mark. Please don’t ask. It’s hard enough to wait, ourselves. Thank you for understanding and continuing to share your love and support with us. We are blessed.)

More bad news today.

No, I don’t want to talk about it.

Just writing to vent. I’m embracing the funk it’s put me in. I’m typing what I think, out-loud. I won’t be ashamed of what I’m about to say. Maybe it will bring some relief to just say it.

Today, I HATE my body.

Body hate is more than skin deep.

I’ve been through skin deep body hatred. It’s honestly the worst, and there are days when it still gets me. I spent my entire adolescence secretly trying to losing weight and fit in with my family, community… you know, be like everyone else. Nobody was body shaming me (to my face), except me. Finally, I embraced it and told myself I was beautiful, and different, and that was okay.

Eventually, I didn’t feel as healthy as I could be in my skin, and decided I was tired of dieting and struggling, and zumba-ing and spinning myself into exhaustion… and underwent roux en-Y to change my anatomy. It was a great temporary fix. I learned a new lifestyle, and can honestly say I am super fit. I never achieved total satisfaction with my results, even 20lbs ago at my thinnest goal weight (fertility drugs are so fun for your waistline) but refused to hate my body. I learned to love it, rock it, and preach about it.

Today, I decided it’s so much more than the outside… Now, my inside isn’t cooperating either. My soul is ready but, apparently, my body is not.

C’mon body!

For 33 years I’ve had to be aware of every bite and make sure I was constantly moving. Now, my body is not only gaining back weight as a side effect to the icky estrogen drugs (yeah, it’s temporary, but it’s awful nonetheless), it’s refusing to take its cue from them. Which means, a higher dosage, for longer, and potentially having to do it all over AGAIN.

Guess what, body. I have words for you… YOU ARE THE WORST.

My endo lining measured at 5… it needs to be 7. So, I’m not implanting on Monday. Maybe Wednesday-Friday, but we don’t know. The whole thing might get called off because I may ovulate. I’ve got 23 follicles ready to go.

Really?! Now?! We discovered a few months ago that my body probably doesn’t truly ovulate, and NOW it wants to ovulate and ruin the whole thing?

Seriously?! Seriously…

Give me a break. Just one.

What did the nurse say? “You can take cetrotide and try and stave off the ovulation, but it’s $85 a day, and it may not work, and you’ll be on it at least a week.” Cost aside (it’s small compared to what we’ve already spent), it’s the worst shot of them all, and IT MAY NOT–her voice said probably not–WORK. So, why is this a good option, again?!

Can you tell I’m mad? I am.

I’m just going with this feeling and refusing to shut it down. It’s okay to be upset.

That’s what this blog was for.

The unapologetic true story of this #IVF journey… right?

We’ve got three healthy embryos and one stubborn womb.

Not any closer than I was last week. Hoping for better news at the next visit with Wanda (the ultrasound) and the lab on Thursday.

It is always best to leave you on a hopeful note.

While High Holy Days choir practice was personally difficult everything felt better listening to the beautiful sounds around me. We have a wonderful group of singers! As I sang avinu malkeinu, the words from my lips were filled with kavanah (intention). I felt my grandpa z”l surround me as the prayer filled the space… reminding me that it was going to work out, and to stop having expectations when I walk into that clinic and just be patient.

I’m trying.

#pcos #ivf #fertility #jewish

As I walked into the #FCLV this morning for more blood work and another ultrasound… the fog set in.

The fog where you lose emotion. The feeling when you find yourself going through the motions but lose focus of why you even found yourself here.

I want to create life, bring wholeness to our home, and this has always been our purpose and intention in going forward with IVF. After being pricked and prodded, spending thousands of dollars, and limitless time, stress, and emotion for what seems like the last few years but is actually months… the horizon can’t help but get a little fuzzy.

I’m exhausted by the what if’s… now I’m just foggy.

When the ultrasound tech read that my lining was still only reading at a 3 after 5 days of letrozole, instead of freaking out, I just shrugged my shoulders. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. We’ll go from there.

Everything is still on track. As far as I know. Just feeling indifferent, foggy, a bit lonely, and hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m done being mad at my body for not doing it’s job. I live by the motto to pray as if everything depended on God and act as if everything depended on me. There is only so much I can do in this case. If we are supposed to be parents to these embryos, we will be. We are doing everything we can… the doctor is doing everything he can… it’s time to let the Holy One guide the path either direction.

Keeping the bright side sunny, I’m looking forward to Shabbat, and wishing you all a Shabbat Shalom!

Shabbat Shalom!

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve written. Honestly, there hasn’t been anything to share. It felt time to circle back.

In services last night, I spoke about about today being Tisha b’av, and chanted a bit of eicha (lamentations), my heart ached. It ached for all of the loss and suffering of our peoplehood since the fall of the first Temple, and reminded me that every generation of Jews has faced tragedy… we must mourn each loss, and do what we can in this life to bring light to a still broken world. Put that into perspective and this infertility struggle is merely a speed bump in a epically blessed life.

Apologies for the heavy food for thought… It’s easy to get wrapped up in the self and resetting the big picture can’t hurt.

You came for the update. Let’s get to that…

The 3 healthy embryos have been on ice and I’ve been experiencing summer… the last two weeks I journeyed three countries with amazing people who have become incredible friends… part to lead fellow Jews on a mission to face our heritage and history… and the rest, a bit of a retreat from reality and a last hurrah before… life gets more real than ever.

We met with Dr. Shapiro just before I left three weeks ago. Chazz-Mama joined the chazzband and I to get the details. We have three equally healthy embryos, mixed genders, and when we’re ready, we can implant the healthiest one.

Fast forward to this week. I returned Wednesday night, and hit the ground running Thursday morning with blood tests and ultra sounds to confirm my body is ready to start new meds and prepare to transfer the first embryo from its frozen state.

I have a date. It’s quickly approaching, but I’m not sharing it because if it takes, it’s my pregnancy date. The doctor explained that we will know 10 days after this date, but the rest of you shouldn’t know for 51 days.

Candidly, it’s better this way. I’ll need quiet time. To process. What I’ve felt anxious about accomplishing now seems so soon, and I’m scared… excited… nervous… uncertain… unsure… will I be a good mother? Will I be what a child deserves? Can I do this? Can we do this? It will be better to process those questions without the world knowing with us.

Therefore, for now… this will be the last blog until after Sukkot. Wishing you all a Shana Tova.

#ivfjourney #pcos #transfer #update #infertility #jewishinfertility #tishabav #shabbatblogupdate

They tell you…

….You’ll be emotional.

…..You’ll have headaches.

…..You won’t feel great.

DURING and immediately following IVF injections and egg retrieval.

They DO NOT tell you, and it doesn’t say anywhere…

Three weeks later, like a tornado dropping from the sky, it’s going to all it you at once and you’re going to be a HOT MESS.

This past Saturday night, while enjoying a double date seeing Hamilton with my Chazzband, sister, and her fiancé, I started to get a migraine and a fever. By the time I was home, I thought it was the flu. As in, the worst flu ever.

By Monday, I contacted my doctor and she said my symptoms sounded like a cluster headache and may have been triggered by detoxing off the IVF meds… and the heat.

Now it’s Thursday, the symptoms have multiplied to the point where I had to reach out to my family to come help me. (Something I hate having to do.)

Uncontrollable 😭. A head banging migraine 🤯. Debilitating muscle aches. Chills/😓 like a menopausal lady. Fatigue like a 🧟‍♀️. And a foggy🧠.

Baruch HaShem for my doctor, Stephanie Lehrner, for fitting me in, taking my labs, filling me with IV vitamins, and helping me feel a bit better. Also, to my mom and sister for taking care of me all day today, and for my work team for making sure things were covered. Certainly lucky for my team.

Waiting to hear my next steps. Hoping to feel like my old self soon. Feeling baffled as to why me, and why nobody filled me in that detoxing IVF drugs can wreck havoc weeks after you’ve taken them.

I promised you the raw and unapologetic story of this journey. This is an ugly week. An unexpected one. A week where I’ve actually questioned “Is it worth it?” For the first time since we’ve started. I know it is. I’m just ready for a break. Ready to feel like myself again.

The results are in.

32 follicles, 15 eggs, 11 fertilized oocytes, 6 embryos… 3 normal.

Thanks to the PGS testing the Chazzband urged us to spend an exorbitant amount of 💵 on, we know 3 of our embryos are abnormal.

Chazzband was right, the test was a good idea.

Really, though… There is nothing normal about either of us OR our families… so I’m tempted to keep them all! 😂

June 18th, we meet with Dr. Shapiro and find out what happens next and when. 1 or 2 implanted at a time? How long will they be crypto-preserved? Etc.

In the meantime, I’m good. We are good.

We are celebrating our 3… A great number.

In Judaism, 3 it symbolizes harmony.

3 represents the joining of a soul. Neshama (breath), ruach (spirit), nefesh (repose).

With these 3 embryonic gifts, I know a new soul will enter the world. 💞

#ivf #retrieval #pgstesting #jewish #infertility

When a fertilized oocyte completes the week in the Petri dish and hasn’t combusted, it means its reached blastocyst stage and is a viable embryo.

When I saw the word blastocyst in my email, I immediate thought, “We have blast off.”

There are 6 that reached this stage.

Let’s review:

I had 32 follicles. Dr. Shapiro retrieved 15 eggs. 11 fertilized when they united with the swimmers. 6 survived the week.

Now, they are undergoing an extra step of testing, called PGS testing, before crypto-preservation (freezing).

Why the testing?

Most couples who do this testing, the female is over 38, they are worried about a family history, this is not their first IVF attempt, or they wanted to choose the gender of their baby (we REALLY don’t want that.)

We fall under zero of those categories but the chazzband felt strongly that it was a small price to pay to make certain that this sci-fi adventure would birth a child with the best possible chance at a healthy start in the world.

As my rabbi bffl pointed out when I said the test pinpoints abnormalities, “You guys are really abnormal, so you know what that test will say!” Ha. Ha. Ha.

We will have PGS testing results in the next week and I’ll report back in.

An embryo for each day of creation… a beautiful sign. For all the work that led up to this Shabbat news, we take a sigh, pause, reflect, and give thanks.

Shavua Tov

First, Shabbat Shalom!

Second, thank you so much for your love and concern this past week.

I continue to make you this promise: by having this blog, I’ve included you in complete transparency of the good, bad, and ugly of this whole process. I’m doing it for my own therapeutic reasons but mostly to help those who are enduring the pain of infertility themselves.

As of now, you know what I know.

If I have something to report. I promise, I will tell you. That’s the deal.

I’ve received several messages inquiring about the eggs, oocytes, swimmers, embryos, PGS biopsies etc… Your concern both warms my heart (it really does, I’m so grateful, I have some real friends out there in you!) and also… makes me anxious. 😬

Just being honest. That’s what this is all about, right?

You see, I’ve done everything in my power this week to keep my mind OFF of thinking about the potential embryonic situation in the lab until my email inbox dings tomorrow and gives the anticipated answers.

When we find out, and process the results, whatever they may be, my family will know, and then you will get the big update. I promise.

Wishing you a restful, blessed, joyous, and meaningful Shabbat. 💞✡️🎵