Chazzan

Hopeful

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 2 Comments

Before laying my very tired head on the pillow tonight, I feel the need to write something to say, I’m here for you, and I’m hopeful.

This blog has always been a place to be real about infertility, loss, and HOPE.

When Emmett arrived in our world, prayers were answered, and all the hopes and prayers came true.

If we would have thrown in the towel on hope, Emmett most certainly wouldn’t have been here smiling ear to ear.

The world seemingly turned upside down this week. Perhaps it’s been coming a bit longer, but it became real this week. As if we were living in a movie, everyday life just hit pause. As a woman who is constantly on the go, constantly working for her community, and constantly in four places at once… I suddenly became frozen in time, and I know you did too.

It wasn’t a time to sit still, though. I had to fight the urge to turn on reality tv and ignore actual reality… and I had to he the best version of myself so that I could be there for you. When our congregation began making plans to close our doors to the public, it was unprecedented. The place where we constantly invite you to join us, the place we go for spiritual growth and comfort, was suddenly closed.

I realized our community needed to stay connected… immediately. Thanks to my cantor BFFL, our community partnered with our sister synagogues in LA and we launched jewitathome.com. Not even a week later, it’s running 12 hours a day with constant programming for the public, for free. Our services, Torah study, lessons, song sessions and more have all gone digital. It wasn’t because of me, but instead, it was because of hope. We hope the world will resume so we can reach out and hug our friends, we hope we can go back to the gym, the stores, the restaurants. We hope we can be social once again. Above that, we hope that we can continue to live our lives while inside our home, social distancing, removed from the world… and that includes doing Jewish.

Life did not stop, it changed. We are scared, but we are hopeful. We are praying for those who contracted the virus, and we are hopeful they will heal, that the bereaved find comfort, that our family and friends stay safe, and that we are safe.

We are resilient, and hopeful. May the curve flatten, may our businesses recover, and may we be able to travel, socialize, receive education, pray, etc, in person. May I have the opportunity to say to Emmett, “Back when you were a very little baby, we dealt with something called coronavirus, and it was awful, but look how wonderful the world is now.”

May you wake up tomorrow filled with hope. Please know, I’m here for you as your cantor and your friend. While I’m trying to check in with each of you, feel free to reach out if you need anything at all.

Chazak, chazak v’nitchazek… be strong, be strong, and we will be strengthened.

Welcome!

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 1 Comment

After a two year battle trying to understand my body, and why I wasn’t conceiving, I now have answers. The journey has begun.

I posted on social media and shared my story with my congregation. Then the unexpected happened. Suddenly there was an outpouring of support, and other women were coming to me with their own stories, struggles, and successes… wanting to share their own journey… So, just a few days ago, Conceiving Cantor came to mind… It was time to start a blog.

Let me begin with the basics. I’m a Cantor. In Hebrew, we call my life’s work, Chazzan, a visionary. If you’re not Jewish, this may be new to you. Like a rabbi, I’m a clergy person. My role in the community extends to being the source of music for the congregation. I teach, officiate life cycles, counsel, and make music the conduit for spiritual connection. It’s pretty awesome when you feel called to your work, and enjoy every moment.

It was a long road to get here… 5 years of undergraduate studies in vocal performance with an emphasis in opera at Cal State Long Beach, 2 years achieving a Master’s in Education at the American Jewish University, and 4 more years studying for the cantorate and obtaining a Master’s in Jewish Sacred Music and ordination as Chazzan.

Luckily, at the beginning of my studies at CSULB, I met Jeremy, my b’sheret (soul mate/meant to be). I was 18, and he was 23. We have been inseparable ever since. He stuck with me through all of my studies, choosing Judaism before proposing at the end of my undergraduate and has always been my biggest cheerleader all the way to achieving the ultimate goal as Cantor. He wanted to be a dad, but also agreed with my need for us to be ready. We now know there is no such thing as being completely equip for the job of parent.

We waited… Through 11 years of schooling and 1 year completed at my job… We felt settled… We started to try.

Off of the pill for 9 months with no cycle returning, and the hair on my head falling out… It was time to reach out to my doctor.

PC.O.S: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is my diagnosis.

Thinking back to 16 year old me… I knew something was wrong. I was overweight but was active and salad was the staple of my diet. (Hearing about it on a TV show, I asked my doctor back then if I might have PCOS, but she said just to try harder at losing weight.) The doctor put me on the pill, my acne cleared up, my hair a flowing, and my cycle was regular.

14 years later. Here we are, wanting to get pregnant, and it turns out, I do indeed have this dreaded PCOS.

I turned to people in my circle that suffered, and asked for guidance. New Figure Forward blogger, Alyson Sinai, was a great help in suggesting changes to my medicine cabinet and under the sink. All natural detergents, soaps, vitamins, and eating things less processed with fewer ingredients were all action items she took upon learning her own diagnosis.

Jeremy thought I was nuts, but it turns out he likes the Dr. Bronner’s soap and toothpaste, and has become accustomed to paying more for our dish soap, detergent, and organic plant based foods.

I did see a change over the next six months. My hair ever so slowly grew back, wasn’t as tired, and even got my cycle on my own for several months.

But we still weren’t pregnant. It had been over a year.

My OB/GYN put me on clomid to induce/strengthen my ovulation. The ovulation stick kept telling me I wasn’t ovulating. Nothing has been more frustrating…Nothing.

After 4 rounds and another 6 months, Dr. Pack (the OB) AND Dr. Lehrner (the GP) referred me to Dr. Bruce Shapiro, the leading reproductive endocrinologist in town at the Fertility Center of Las Vegas. Dr. Shapiro did a complete workup, and Jeremy and I were both fertile candidates to make a baby. He confirmed it was PCOS standing in our way, and told us IUI or IVF were the options. With an 8% success rate, I was hesitant to drop $3500 on IUI, and wanted to save up for $20,000 IVF that gave us a 91% success rate.

Fast forward to today, and we are anxiously awaiting egg retrieval in the coming days…

 

 

Check out my next blog to hear about the reality of nightly injections, daily labs and ultra sounds, and the emotional roller coaster of IVF.

If you’re going through struggles with infertility, allow me to be an ear, a resource, and a comfort. This is not easy, and nobody should go through it alone.