genesis

Emerging

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 3 Comments

I am not the person I was a month ago.

In the past, I’ve felt myself bend… sometimes really far… but it wasn’t until September 12th, 2018 at 8am, that I broke in two.

Today is the shloshim of finding out that my unborn child had no heartbeat. Yeah… yeah… I’m aware that I cannot mourn because s/he never drew breath. This fact doesn’t negate that we still experienced a tremendous loss, that I’ve been holding onto it quite tight.

Each passing day brings an ounce of healing. Jumping back into cantorial duties… getting back into the world… keeping up my exercise routine… enjoying the company of friends… it’s all helped.

Knowing I needed a ritual to help me move forward, my clergy partner suggested that I do something both physical and spiritual to officially cleanse myself of this experience.

Mikveh.

For the past several years, I have been the mikveh angel for others… shepherding amazing women as they choose Judaism and complete that part of their journey with mikveh.

Today, I went to the mikveh for myself. I did it to regain wholeness, and find solace in the loss.

My hope was to immerse broken and emerge whole, I prayed to God.

(Thanks to my colleagues at Temple Beth Shalom, the mikveh was available just for me this morning. I’m so appreciative for their kindness.)

After walking in, the door closed behind me and I physically prepared myself by taking out my contacts, off my jewelry, my nails and toes were bare of polish… all the boxes checked so that I could submerge “Just Jess”.

I placed a ceremony I had written for myself at the edge of the bath.

Slowly, I stepped into the water.

I stood there and dipped once. As I went under the water, my heart raced and tears fills my eyes. The water burned in my throat as I chased back the tears.

I spoke the words of blessing for mikveh, and dipped again.

This time, I spoke words straight from my heart… Honestly, I told God that I was angry, and I wasn’t giving up.

My voice was heard. I know it.

I dipped a third time and wanted to say shehecheyanu for my life and getting through surgery after the loss… but it was difficult to praise The Holy One for bringing me to this moment when I was supposed to be in this moment 12 weeks pregnant. Here I am alive, and this moment is real. This moment will lead to the next moment… one with hope and healing. So… shehecheyanu.

Feeling myself one with the water was special, meditative, emotional, and most importantly… cleansing.

As I walked out of the pool of water, I felt a sense of soul healing… a force nudging me to move forward.

Today, I emerge changed, filled with hope, and ready to begin again.

You will always be the life that lived in me. We will always remember you.

🥚 All the Eggs 🥚

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 9 Comments

For 14 long days, we’ve been feeding my eggs chemicals called gonal-f, cetrotide, and menopur via scary needles. I say scary because I’ve hated needles since birth.

Today, is Thursday. In Jewish text, B’reishit, Genesis, the narrative teaches that God mentions other days of the week as being good, and on Yom Hashishi (the sixth day, which begins Thursday when the sun sets) it is VERY good.

וַיַּרְא אֱלֹהִים אֶת-כָּל-אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה, וְהִנֵּה-טוֹב מְאֹד; וַיְהִי-עֶרֶב וַיְהִי-בֹקֶר, יוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי

And God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

There is a lot of rabbinic commentary on this line. Basically, mankind was created on day 6, therefore what was once a fine world transformed illuminated by new life created in God’s image…  Hmmm… sounds like my week is lining up with that one. Well, sort of.

Today, in preparation for the setting sun towards a VERY good day, Yom hashishi, my eggs are finally ready for retrieval. New life is almost created. I can feel it. It is tov m’od, verygood.

Retrieval was supposed to be Tuesday… Then Wednesday, then Friday… back-back-back it was pushed because my follicles weren’t ready. A cancelled vacation, a frustrated and emotionally charged self, and a husband who didn’t want to give his wife one more injection… I was feeling like if I wasn’t measuring up today, I never would be. But I am!

Tonight, we switch from the usual meds to one final shot… Lupron. 34 hours after I’m injected tonight, the 32 follicles in my ovaries will be pierced with a needle, and hopefully, beautiful eggs will be retrieved and mixed with the swimmers to create an embryo. (If this makes you a little queasy like it does me, don’t worry, they put me out for this!) It’s science meets God’s will. It’s sci fi and awesome.

These last 2 weeks have been a challenge. The injections left me exhausted, with a constant headache, and more bloated than I had ever been (it’s what happens when the follicles enlarge in the ovaries.)

Halfway through, my Poppy (grandpa), passed away. It became necessary that I go to Florida to support my dad and honor Poppy’s memory. I packed my meds in ice, and thankfully have the most incredible sister, who watched youtube instructionals to prepare to stab me. We got off the airplane, late for the shot, found a companion bathroom in the aiport, and setup IVF shop. Never did I ever think I would be injected with drugs in an aiport bathroom… there is a first time for everything.

Multiple ultra sounds and blood draws later, I’m finally ready.

This Shabbatis going to be a very very good one.