Shabbat

Emerging

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 3 Comments

I am not the person I was a month ago.

In the past, I’ve felt myself bend… sometimes really far… but it wasn’t until September 12th, 2018 at 8am, that I broke in two.

Today is the shloshim of finding out that my unborn child had no heartbeat. Yeah… yeah… I’m aware that I cannot mourn because s/he never drew breath. This fact doesn’t negate that we still experienced a tremendous loss, that I’ve been holding onto it quite tight.

Each passing day brings an ounce of healing. Jumping back into cantorial duties… getting back into the world… keeping up my exercise routine… enjoying the company of friends… it’s all helped.

Knowing I needed a ritual to help me move forward, my clergy partner suggested that I do something both physical and spiritual to officially cleanse myself of this experience.

Mikveh.

For the past several years, I have been the mikveh angel for others… shepherding amazing women as they choose Judaism and complete that part of their journey with mikveh.

Today, I went to the mikveh for myself. I did it to regain wholeness, and find solace in the loss.

My hope was to immerse broken and emerge whole, I prayed to God.

(Thanks to my colleagues at Temple Beth Shalom, the mikveh was available just for me this morning. I’m so appreciative for their kindness.)

After walking in, the door closed behind me and I physically prepared myself by taking out my contacts, off my jewelry, my nails and toes were bare of polish… all the boxes checked so that I could submerge “Just Jess”.

I placed a ceremony I had written for myself at the edge of the bath.

Slowly, I stepped into the water.

I stood there and dipped once. As I went under the water, my heart raced and tears fills my eyes. The water burned in my throat as I chased back the tears.

I spoke the words of blessing for mikveh, and dipped again.

This time, I spoke words straight from my heart… Honestly, I told God that I was angry, and I wasn’t giving up.

My voice was heard. I know it.

I dipped a third time and wanted to say shehecheyanu for my life and getting through surgery after the loss… but it was difficult to praise The Holy One for bringing me to this moment when I was supposed to be in this moment 12 weeks pregnant. Here I am alive, and this moment is real. This moment will lead to the next moment… one with hope and healing. So… shehecheyanu.

Feeling myself one with the water was special, meditative, emotional, and most importantly… cleansing.

As I walked out of the pool of water, I felt a sense of soul healing… a force nudging me to move forward.

Today, I emerge changed, filled with hope, and ready to begin again.

You will always be the life that lived in me. We will always remember you.

The Healing

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 5 Comments

After a long Friday…

Waiting, being poked, staring at symbolic crosses (side effect of a St. Rose hospital), shedding some tears and being asked my name, birthday and drug allergies a minimum of six times…

I’m on the other side… a place where the closure and healing can finally take place.

First, a thank you to my OB, anesthesiologist, and nurses for getting me through a quick D&C procedure, easy waking, and the lemon italian ice.

I’m feeling punched in the gut, quite literally. It’s a scary thought when the urge to pee comes… just think millions of 🔥 knives poking you down there. I’m being brave, and not taking the narcotics because frankly I don’t like the way they make me feel.

But all in all, I’m counting my blessings, because I’m okay. We’re okay.

Propped up on the couch, next to my better half and our ridiculous rainbow eared dog, watching Netflix, and eating cinnamon sugar skinny pop puffs.

My emotions have surprisingly leveled out. I cried upon waking because I knew it was permanently gone.

Now, however, I’m looking towards the future and trying again. The chazzband is too.

SIDE-NOTE: A huge shoutout of love to my sister who took me to pre-op, and made sure I had painkillers and antibiotics when I arrived home, and is just always my person, to the moon and back. My parents for giving me the space I needed and always being great support. Mom, I know I pushed you away… I won’t do that again.

My sis-in-laws for understanding when I had to miss the bachelorette but still making sure I was distracted and shown the love of my nieces and nephew, at the exact right time.

My amazing orthodontist and wonderful congregants/friends who sent over gorgeous flowers that did put a huge smile on my face and brought scents of happiness back into our home.

My congregants, assistant, and clergy partner.. thanks for checking in and showing us your love.

The most sincere thanks to Lori, Sheryl, Karin and Glori for giving me the time to heal by filling in for services. It is literally the most beautiful gift, we are blessed at CNT for you and all of our lay leaders who fill in during our absence from the pulpit.

To my amazing tribe of friends who have carefully checked in and provided frozen yogurt, sushi, babka, honey cakes, challot, and anything else tasty that we’ve consumed in the last couple weeks or are yet to consume today… you know me well…I’m a super typical Jew when it comes to food=comfort.

Last, and most importantly, my chazzband, for holding my hand the whole way through… and making sure I knew we were going through this pain together…. I sure wish you could take the pain of peeing right now! 😂

This blog wasn’t meant to be a giant speech of thank yous… but as I wrote them out, I saw even more-so how very lucky I am to be surrounded by a cushion of love.

We need our community. It’s that simple.

Don’t feel the need to experience this alone. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of. It happens to too many of us. There are questions, concerns, and hugs that need reception.

My voice is not simply a journal for my thoughts alone, but also a platform to echo yours.

These are life’s waves. You’re not riding them alone.

After the sun sets into Shabbat tonight, we will begin to enter in the season of harvest and giving thanks to the Holy One.

The OG Thanksgiving.

Just a few days ago, the idea of Sukkot had no meaning to me. Why would I shake the lulav when I was missing the core, my etrog, my heart?

BUT. Isn’t it funny that a few days ago, while working through those feelings, it wasn’t Sukkot, it was Yom Kippur. As difficult as it was, also kind of perfect to plead so acutely with our Maker.

I opened up my entire self and not only chanted, but also cleaved, Avinu Malkeinu, HEAR OUR PRAYER, hear my prayer, answer me WHY?! Tears and all.

Today, closure, tonight, the rest that is Shabbat, and the day after, the holiday that opens the door for strength, hope, shelter, and gratitude. A Chag reminding us that life is a growing and flowing, and all situations temporary. Just as the Israelites lived in their Sukkot…. wandering… for a long time… it was all still temporary.

Life’s symmetry. The universe’s way of righting wrongs. For everything there is a season and a reason.

It hurts and doesn’t make sense now, but it will.

For this I pray.

May your Shabbat be beautiful, comforting, and peaceful. Bless your children, for they are a miracle. Take time to show gratitude for all that is miraculous and wonderful in your life.

May we all be able to see our many gifts in this life.

Shabbat Shalom and Chag Sukkot Sameach, Z’man Simchateinu.