transfer

The Difference a Year Makes

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / Leave a comment

A year ago today, I went to preschool to sing with my favorite kiddos in the Kantor ECEC, and then headed to the Fertility Center of Las Vegas, for an embryo transfer with genius Dr. Bruce Shapiro for our 2nd of 3 healthy embryos (after the prior summers first embryo transfer ended in miscarriage).

We arrived at the doctor a ball of nerves and excitement. The incredible Dr. Sharon Roth met us there to give me pre and post transfer acupuncture. After the pre acupuncture, I waited (with a full bladder) in the waiting room to be called in for the procedure. After 45 minutes, I approached the front desk and reminded them that they asked me to have a full bladder, but I could not wait much longer. They told me to wait five minutes and Dr. Shapiro came out and asked us to come back to the meeting room. I knew something was wrong. He explained that after defrosting our second embryo, he did not like how it looked and was nervous it would not end in a successful pregnancy. He gave us a choice, wait until morning and see if the embryo looks better, or move on and defrost our third and final embryo.

Many tears and much uncertainty followed, but we chose to try our chance with our last but not least embryo. (That second embryo was still saved until morning, but did not survive 😢). The Chazzband and I walked down the street to grab a smoothie while the embryo was prepared. (I had to refill my bladder, after all!) We spoke at length about “What’s next if this does not work?” What if this embryo does not look right, does not lead to pregnancy, or ends in miscarriage again? Would either of us be able to start from scratch with IVF, and bear the financial and emotional weight of the last year? In his wisdom, the Chazzband said, “Let’s just stay positive that this works.”

The office called to tell us the embryo looked great and we were ready for transfer. Fast forward to February 27th, 2020, and Emmett Robert Hutchings, named for his great grandparents Sidney and Roseann Entin and Robert Hutchings, is almost 4 months old, loves music, smiling, grabbing objects (especially Ima’s long red hair), reading books, and his family. He is a miracle, a rainbow baby, and so darn cute. The shayna-ist punim I’ve ever seen!

I find numbers to be a bit b’sheret (meant to be). The egg was retrieved on my mom’s birthday (5/19/18) and the embryo transferred on my dad’s (2/27/19)… I did not choose this, but I do not think it was coincidence either. Emmett says, “Happy birthday, Grandpa Jeff!”

Never stop believing in miracles, always have hope, and never doubt what is possible. Emmett is proof of that.

Be Happy, It’s Adar! Have a Happy Purim, all!

(Picture of the birthday party my friends had for me last year, when he had to break at 7PM to shoot me with IVF hormones in the bathroom. It takes a village! Compared to now, our little bundle we received after quite a journey.)

Broken

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 12 Comments

Disclaimer: If you’re not in for something upsetting, don’t continue to read on. If you’re ready to read a raw reality, forge ahead.

I was pregnant.

I am pregnant.

But…

The fetus is not growing.

Next week, I have to undergo a D&C (dilation and curettage) and have it removed from my body.

Until then, I have to carry around hopelessness, grief, anger, and lost potential inside my physical and emotional self for 8 days.

Why the wait?

Well, I’m busy serving God, as the klay kodesh (holy vessel) of my people during these Holy Days… Can’t think of anything more messed up than this reality. Never did I ever think this could be my reality. I knew it was possible, but I didn’t want to believe that while I’m serving the Holy One, I’m also getting punched in the gut, repeatedly.

My right mind knows that bad things happen to good people. You, the Creator, are not responsible for this. You are our strength, comfort, and surrender in these times… but I can’t help and be pissed and disappointed… and You, the Master of the Universe, while I don’t blame You, You are not exempt from my feelings.

We’ve been through enough. It took almost 3 years to conceive this baby. We did everything and more that was asked of us. We prayed. We dreamed. We hoped. We also injected thousands of dollars in drugs, underwent multiple tests and procedures, and put every emotion and aspiration into it.

I thought, I’ve been given the gift of infertility to help better comfort others who are struggling.

A miscarriage too? Really? I couldn’t have been empathetic without losing my own baby?

It’s going to take me a while.

It’s insanely unfathomable to have to serve in my role at this, the holiest, most heart opening time of the year. Somehow, I’ll stand tall and be there for my community. It’s not just my job, it’s my life.

So is life… it’s not perfect. It’s not always sunny. This is the dark side. This is where you see the human side of your clergy. We can understand where you are coming from because, as you can see, we are just like you.

Many of you have been and continue to be sensitive and understanding. You have asked what you can do. Please know how much we appreciate your love and concern.

While we cannot say Kaddish for an unborn child, what we do need is time to process, reflect, and navigate a different reality.

What I need is space.

Please don’t ask how I am, try to hug me, or call (I’m not answering). I’m terrible, and I don’t want to cry anymore. I appreciate your concern, please don’t pity me. I’m not going to ask for anything, but please know how much I appreciate the sustenance and support that my family and friends have offered and brought over.

Please understand that emails are not being answered for the next few days and your needs may need to be met by my clergy partner.

Please realize this is a loss for my family. My chazzband is also struggling and needs some space.

Please know, this is not a misdiagnosis, we’ve seen the same scans for two weeks. So, please don’t suggest it. It actually makes it worse.

This is real, not harsh. This is how we cope.

We will survive this. We will move forward. We will try again. We will be parents… soon.

As for the Days of Atonement… let this be the worst one we ever have to experience, and let it soon be in the rear view mirror.

For my transgressions, I sincerely apologize. Truly.

May we all be sealed for a wonderful year.

May our fast not be easy, but instead, meaningful.

May we all have a fruitful 5779.

Broken but not alone.

Roller Coaster

/ Cantor Jessica Hutchings / 3 Comments

First of all, apologies for my last post. It was most certainly real and raw… but it was reflecting a headspace I’m not often in.

When I’m on these hormones it reminds of that old Zoloft commercial with the face that’s walking around, being followed by a dark and rainy cloud filled with doom and gloom.

Happily, once they kicked up my estrogen, my endo lining measured a 7, and I was able to start progesterone oil shots and stay somewhat on track for transfer.

After an early morning blood test, I learned this morning that my hormones are doing great and we are ready to have our microscopic embryo implanted on Tuesday!

The reality is, I’m more swollen and bloated from these drugs than I’d ever imagined. 7-days a week workouts and eating right makes me feel like a hamster running it it’s wheel… I can’t combat the gain hormones creating. Its uncomfortable, and definitely taking its toll on me, mentally. Just trying to go back to that headspace that says, “You’re beautiful regardless of what the scale says, keep taking care of yourself, you’re doing this for a much higher purpose.” If the hormones are doing this to help me create the healthiest womb… so be it. I know how to rock the curves!

Hoping the other side effect subsides soon. Insomnia that triggers panic in the middle of the night… no fun. This girl needs her beauty rest!

I may post again on transfer day, but then you won’t hear from me for 51 days… ish. That’s when it’s safe to report if it’s taken… or what my plans are if it has not.

In the meantime, I’m meditating, praying, and celebrating every moment life throws my way. Overjoyed to have spent the morning watching a young man enter his Jewish adulthood and ascend the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah, tutored by my baby sister (which also made me very proud!). These are the moments that remind me everything has a purpose, every moment counts, and I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

This journey may be a roller coaster, but I am grateful to be on the ride.

#shavuatov #infertility #pcos #ivf #journey #journeyofthesincitycantor