Usually, I’m a woman who can articulate my thoughts and feelings, and is good at looking at a situation or perspective when it comes to helping, comforting or guiding others. I’ve noticed, however, when it comes to this birthing/child rearing/mothering stuff… I’m just overwhelmed. It feels like I know nothing and no matter how much I read or how much advice I solicit (or more like, hear unsolicited), I’m completely unprepared for how life is about to change. I’m confident in my life as a Cantor, yet feel like becoming a mom might feel like someone throwing me into an OR and telling me to operate on someone’s heart. Not ready. Don’t know how. 10 months wasn’t long enough prep.

Ready or not… tonight’s the night.

The Chazzband and I have our bag packed. We’ve cleaned, setup the necessities and a bit more in the nursery, the clothes are all washed, I’ve even written the bris ceremony… we’ve nested just about everything except for maybe some meal prep. It feels a little unsettling to go against Jewish superstitious custom which says not to bring anything into the house (although we are keeping the name quite secret). I just couldn’t. I’m stubborn, organized, and my brain could not let me sit idle these last two months. I felt like the only thing that would help me feel some sense of readiness, was to get ready for Baby’s arrival. Still not feeling ready.

Ready or not… tonight’s the night.

Speaking of my need to prepare… I’ve annoyed my doctor with my labor anxieties to the point that we scheduled an induction. Please don’t judge this choice (people REALLY like to judge everything from the moment you’re pregnant through how you raise your children.. I’ve noticed). We didn’t just schedule because I needed to know when he was coming, that would have been irresponsible. Instead, we chose to do this because he’s healthy and he’s built like his dad. We guesstimate that he’s 8.5-9lbs already, he’s in the ideal position, and he’s made it to his due date (minus 3 days). Could I regret this decision to move ahead before labor naturally begins? Sure. My gut and my doctor, however, tell us this is a healthy decision.

Ready or not… tonight’s the night.

We will check into the hospital tonight and start the process of bringing life into the world. The timeline is unknown, my body’s reaction is unknown, and basically every moment after is unknown. I don’t do well without a plan where we know… but I have no choice. I have to let the Holy One guide me, my nurses and doctors and just let it happen. Women do this every second of every day… I can too. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

What am I afraid of?

1. The physical pain and trauma of labor. Yes, I plan to get an epidural… but again.. the reality is unknown.

2. The emotions. I think about this little boy and I tear up… at the thought of bringing him into the world, yes, but also with worry that I won’t be maternal enough… strong enough… good enough at motherhood. (In general, I’m super awkward around newborn humans… but bring me a puppy to fawn over any day…) What I don’t worry about is how much we will love him. That will be limitless.

3. The exposure and vulnerability. Sure, I wear my heart on my sleeve and share my innermost feelings with the world when I write this blog. But my physical body has always made me uncomfortable. I don’t even wear shorts in public (minus a swimming pool when I have to)… my loose skin and ample hips often make me self conscious… and yet tonight, I have to put my legs in stirrups, while natural yet private things happen without my control, and then birth a child from within me in front of a room filled with people. That’s incredibly vulnerable and scary.

4. The change in our marriage. In theory, the Chazzband will always be number one, AND we’ll have a new number one to share the spotlight. The fear is, will it change our marriage? I hope so. Hopefully it only makes us better and stronger. We’ve worked hard to build a partnership, and although not perfect by any means, we finally figured out how to be ourselves and also be a strong team. No matter how much he likes to ride a motorcycle, wear crocs, likes his privacy, and listens to country, and how much I like to wear sparkles, go to the gym, and be a holy vessel for the Jewish community… We just know, we are the halves to each other’s wholes. We went through a patch where it was hard to accept how we had changed after 30, and eventually we fell more in love with one another, differences and all. The struggle with infertility actually brought us closer together. Now, we have to go through another change, way more life altering… can we withstand it? I think it will prove to make us even stronger. At least this is my prayer.

While it all begins tonight, the labor could be long. Many of you have asked for updates… and I promise you’ll know soon enough. Don’t worry if it’s not right away. Family and friends in the hospital have been asked to wait until our say so to post anything… so please be patient and just say a prayer for Baby Hutchings, and for me.

In the meantime, I share this one:

“God of all generations, You have blessed our life with companionship and mutual love. For all Your gifts we are thankful; now our hearts are full, in this time of expectant hope.

We await the birth of a new life, and You are with us. As a parent holds the hand of a child, so now make our spirits serene. Let us wait in confidence and calm, with hearts unafraid. Let our child be born to health and happiness. Help us to be worthy parents, and bless us with a long life nourished and sustained by the sweetness of family love. Amen.”